have we created disaster within ourselves
by hurrican3lov3
Summary: love isn't easy and just like anything else that's worth having it takes a lot of hard work. But when does love become toxic? how do you know when you're holding on with all you've got? ModernAU Bellarke two-shot
1. distance

**Okay so its been awhile since if written anything PLUS this is the first time I'm posting anything in the 100 category.  
So please be gentle with me!**

**if you haven't seen the new Florence+the machine video 'what kind of man', for the love of all that is holy go watch it. The intro is what inspired me to use something they said as my title for this modernAU **

**ok omg...on with the show i suppose**

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She noticed after the third (or was it the fourth? Or maybe it was the fifth? Or god…maybe it was the sixth. Goddamnit Clarke how could you not remember?) time that it's become a pattern.

There'll be a good day and then everything goes to hell in the last 30 minutes of it. They don't talk the next day (oh but she wants to call, she wants to beg for forgiveness even if she did nothing wrong but thank god for her pride cause that's the only thing that stops her most times.)

That's when THE THOUGHT (singular. All caps) it weaves its way through her mind.

Distance

Maybe a little distance

Don't text him so much, don't call, don't reach for him, and when he calls for her to come over don't.  
Don't go.  
Stay strong.  
Stay home.

And for a moment she thinks, yes distance makes sense. Then it evaporates.

For whatever illogical reason her convictions are not strong enough to go through with it (10 days…that's not long at all is it? But god…in the moment it felt like a lifetime.)

And when he calls for her to go over she does it cause she's missed him (his arms, his lips, the way he smelled like home and the way he holds her close (read: tight cause he thought he'd lost her…again.) to his chest so she can hear his heart) and it's like nothing's happened at all.

There's a moment she shares with her mother, _"I'm starting to see that boyfriend of yours for who he really is and I don't like it. You deserve so much better Clarke, why can't you see that?" _It takes everything in her not to burst into tears, tugging at her hair in despair cause she's convinced half of the shit he puts her through she doesn't deserve. So she doesn't tell her mother how weak she is when it comes to him (her mother knows though) that it sickens her sometimes (in the dark she can recognize the part of herself that survived being alone for so long and hates who she's become now, loathes the weakness seeping from her bones)

But she loves him (for as far back as she can remember she's loved him and _mygod how she wishes she could have stopped at some point for her own sanity at least_).

And he says he loves her too (she knows how short his love list is and sometimes she still can't believe he's put her up there with her sister and his mother (_Aurora was a beautiful and strong, I'msosorryBellamy_.)

But her mind likes to remind her of the daggers it's produced specifically for her, the ones she still feels embedded in her heart made out of the tiny whispers she doubts she'll ever get rid of (_he's got a long list of girls who've warmed his bed (maybe all you are is another notch on his bedpost, you're nothing special Clarke get over yourself))_ so she sighs instead and gives her mother a hug.

Until it happens again.

Another night (it started out good she swears it did, valentines day wasn't even supposed to be such a big deal she has no idea how it snowballed into this) she spends all day excited out of her mind and spends just a little bit more time then usual getting ready (maybe its because last year they were both working and they weren't a serious thing back then she thinks.)

He picks her up and there's flowers and balloons involved and she loves it (is this what valentines day was supposed to feel like when you're in a relationship?)

He's not a romantic and a part of her swears shes okay with that, the other part that says differently can _shut the hell up thank you very much_.

She spends the night bodies intertwined in the way she loves (Bellamy only does it when he feels her pulling away and he needs the reassurance that she is his (read: not leaving))

She decided that she's not leaving him but she's brutally honest with herself and she knows there's a fluctuating percentage (it goes from 5 to 30% real fast and it scares her cause it's never reached 0 and she doesn't know if it ever will) that isn't sure staying is the best thing for her to begin with.

She wakes up anxious to get home (if she's honest (which she always is) she always wakes up anxious) it's 3 in the morning and she's shaking him awake so he'll take her home (he doesn't want to take her home and she's not surprised) So she stops (_what time is it now ?) _

It's 5 and she's pretty sure she's going to have dark bags under her eyes all day. Bellamy growls and mutters about bringing her crappy car next time and she can't help but smile, this feels like familiar territory.

He's pulling his dress-me-i'm-too-tired shit (do you remember when he did this the first time? you thought it was cute...christ Clarke pull yourself together) she called him every name in the book asshole being the favorite. But it's been a while since she's had to rely on him for a ride home that she honestly forgot this was something she would have to deal with.

It's an accident and she apologizes profusely for it but the anxious feeling hasn't gone away (she just wants to go home and get some actual sleep)and now she's nervous cause he's so angry he doesn't want her to touch him, she feels the corner of her lips pulling into a small smile (she's a nervous laugher and nervous smiler (is that a word?) too but she can't help her bodies fucked up reactions to things).

She says sorry again and he sits up way to fast (don't move Clarke) she tries not to flinch but the look on his face makes it hard.

There is a brief press of his thumb on her left eye lid (DON'T MOVE CLARKE) she barely manages to stifle her bodies reaction to jerk away and she notes that his jaw is clenched tight, teeth grinding together, belaying the gentleness of that brief touch and it frightens you (for a second she doubts his inability to physically hurt her, there is a flash of memory...of a dark night and seeing her mother yelling at her stepfather and seeing him put her in a chock hold until her knees gave out)

He drops her off without a word (jesusClarke what if he'd actually hurt you?) she doesn't hear from him for the rest of the day and the radio silence the next day is deafening.

And THE THOUGHT begins it's weaving again.

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**Alright! I did it! woohooo! this came out like i wanted it too, i am both happy and scared of leaving this here for all to read but i do believe that maybe some of you do read this and maaayybbbee decide to leave a review n_n after all reviews feed the muse ;)**

**~hurrican3lov3**


	2. sometimes leaving is whats best

**I know i said this was going to be a oneshot but...I couldn't stop myself from writing a second part.**

**This is it though...i swear it is. **

* * *

Things haven't been the same.

She remembers a time when things were easier (but isn't it like that for everyone?) she knows there are some people who always remember the good from a failed relationship but she's pretty sure she's not really one of them. She remembers the bad, it's there like a blaring neon sign that flickers but never goes out (kind of like cheap Vegas lights, she hates Vegas).

So she makes arrangements, made in the dead of night so Octavia won't ask her what she's doing and so he won't catch a hint of his leaving.

And when she has lunch with her mother to let her know what she's decided ("_a couple of months on my own won't be so bad mom, I'll be doing some good and after doing nothing good I know this is what's best for me"_) she pretends not to notice how happy her mother's eyes tell her she really is despite the solemn face she wears.

When she goes to bed she pretends her chest isn't caving in on itself. Like there isn't an ocean raging within her desperately trying to get out and drown her.

She loses hours of sleep trying to hold herself together under the covers and ignoring how tear soaked her pillow is.

(This is good Clarke, you're hurting him and he's hurting you…this can't keep happening. You'll kill each other before you ever get your happy ever after.)

She knows this. She knows they fought more times than they loved each other (don't start lying now Clarke it was killing you, every second of every fight was killing you). The truth stings but it does little to ease the pain she feels burning beneath her skin (he's in your bloodstream. Under your skin, in your bones and etched into your very soul, how did he get in so deep Clarke?)

It's logical and smart and if she leaves now she knows it'll take time (a year maybe two…it took 2 years for you to reach a content state only for Bellamy freaking Blake to come back and wreck it all…to begin the slow process of wrecking you like he never had the chance too) but you know (logically) it's worth it.

She breaks up with him on a Monday. He's over worked, tired and she can't take his attitude anymore and it just slips out. She doesn't mean to make a scene, not in front of Octavia and her fiancé Lincoln, but she's frustrated and hurt and so tired.

She'd hoped (foolishly) there would still be the possibility of remaining friends (but then you remember sitting in front of the TV squished between Octavia, Monty and Jasper eyes wide binge watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and hearing Spike speak some hard truths ("You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains children, it's blood—blood screaming inside you to work its will.") and knowing even back then how true those words were).

Things aren't easy (it's a detox. Rage into your pillow, puke your dreams of a future together out, hold yourself through the shakes. You're an addict Clarke, you just never knew it).

She'll probably get drunk and be tempted to call but her pride will steady her hand and make sure she doesn't call him ("Raven I miss him, why do I miss him?" "I'm coming over Clarke, just hold on babe, I'm on my way.")

And when she leaves receiving bear hugs and kisses from her friends and a new adventure on the horizon waiting for her she'll breath in deep and let it all go as best as she can. Wishing him love, peace and the happily ever after Bellamy freaking Blake couldn't find with her.

And if her hands shake while driving away no one can blame her, it's terrifying having to shed the past and start anew.

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**tadaaaa!**

**okay you know the drill let me know what you think n_n **

**~hurrican3lov3**


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